Archive for October, 2010

Have you ever?

Have you ever suffered from an ability to speak up

To discover the truth

To save a lives (literally)

To make people understand how much you want it

Im breathless.

What should i do? Ya Allah. Guide me.

This 2 surah is the surah that can make me strong.

Al-falaq and An-nas.

Ameen Ya Robb.

how much more can your mouth hold
from your wins separated again
and what’s it worth
now that you have found fame, fate

oh i see, it’s been wiped clean
no history, no trace of you or me

so what’s the smallest you can think
or feel, i fear
oh my dear, you are not the same

oh i see, it’s been wiped clean
no history, no trace of you

oh i see, it’s been wiped clean
no history, no trace of you or me

I’ll never love again..?

Fix You- Coldplay, Speechless-Lady Gaga, Just a Dream-Nelly

I cant get over this yet..This is so hard on me.

Baby, you gave up. You gave up.

How I hope this is just a dream.

ps: My English Assessment test score 36/40..Whattt..I’ve done the exercise and score more that that. And now I feel like a puddingy. Shh..puddingy is a word? I never thought of that. Hehe.

ps: The show Clever on Astro TVIQ is a good one. Im an ex-science student but still i couldnt answer some of the question.Pfft. How I wish if i have a child one day and implement day to day science proof. I could be a great mom. (as if..)

be calm and patience

I am a lunatic.

i can scream and annoys my partner.

But now i learned that one must stay calm and patience. Well its true that good thing comes to those who wait.

I am still in a hanging-state.I had to pull out my last entry because it sounds too offensive. As much as i hurt, my feeling is still strong towards him.

Last sunday I went to Nina’s brother kenduri near PJ with Aya. The food was great, by Restu Catering. Gotta find their contact number.:)..Then I went jalan2 with Aya to Sunway Pyramid-munching and food-eye-walking. We went to buy frappucino Starbucks and sit down at Wendy to enjoy my favorite Chilli. Its a great feeling.

She did some advice on how to be patience. Thanks hon. It works. Even tho we both dont know it’ll work temporarily or permanently.

Bismillah

If anyone knows me, i have another blog on blogspot that specifically a journal/keepsake about my wedding preparation and dreams.

I never thought i had an intention to get married. Since forever, i target 28 at least. But something struck when my bf ask me to get engaged. It was around September/October 2009 when he said those. I was speechless. But still i had no feeling towards it, like i said, i had no intention. I said no.

Then, the biggest dugaan come about…My dear mom passed away. I feel sooo lonely and there he was.. offering his love, shelter and warmth and ask me to marry him so that he can take care of me. I have finally found my hero.

Ever since, I kept on browsing wedding stuff and had my wedding blog too. The wedding date had change numerous times from October 2010 to March 2011 to June 2011. I dare to dream because I know he will never let me down.

In Malay custom, before a girl could be married to a guy, an eldery representative will discuss pertaining to wang hantaran, dates, mas kahwin, etc. Being me, i firmly want to skip engagement process, which i thought is unnecessary. I suggest that both families discuss informally. He agreed. But then, he said his family wanted to come to risik, so i agree because it doesnt involve hantaran, wear my best clothes/veil and stuff. But then again he said..why not we got engage since his family had come. Its like 2 matter can be settled one time. I said yes, why not(although i initially decline this).

Its around 35 days before the engagement. I had settle most of the things- attire, veil, hijab, favor boxes with ribbon, order flower from florist,booked makeup artist, i had prepare 8 trays of hantaran(i prepare both side hantaran) including his hantaran which i secretly bought so he’ll be surprised during the day, ayah had book canopy and inform the caterers. Its nearly 85% done.

I cant believe one single telephone call can ruin it all.

He said he’s not ready for all this. My heart crushed. How much i want this, how much effort i put in this..its all gone.

The reasons why im putting on this because..this is the biggest meltdown i had in life. So i had to document it.

Some people ask me why do i want to get married/ Are you ready for this? Of course i am. This is what i want.

1. Being halal in a relationship, avoid fitnah and maksiat.

2. I need a companion , to loved and be loved, unconditionally.

3. Seek repentance and be a better person in all aspect-responsibility, ibadah, virtue, maturity.

4. Seek rezki together through thick and thin, to a better living.

5. Build a family on my accordance that is respectful, loving and blessed.

6. Not to let ayah worry about me. His full responsibility is off to the new man.

So now im still hanging..

if this is for real, i have to cancel all the bookings. To think about it, sayangnya…because all the vendors i have selected based on numerous survey and narrow it down carefully to meet my budget and preferences.

Astaghfirullah al -azim…..

I turn to you

I used to adore you so much..How i wish things could be like those times.

 

When I’m lost in the rain
In your eyes I know I’ll find the light
To light my way, when I’m scared losing ground
When my world is going crazy you can turn it all around
And when I’m down you’re there pushing me to the top
You’re always there giving me all you’ve got

For a shield, from the storm for a friend, for a love
To keep me safe and warm, I turn to you
For the strength to be strong, for the will to carry on
For everything you do, for everything that’s true, I turn to you

When I lose the will to win
I just reach for you and I can reach the sky again
I can do anything ’cause your love is so amazing
‘Cause your love inspires me
And when I need a friend you’re always on my side
Giving me faith taking me through the night

For the arms to be my shelter through all the rain
For truth that will never change for someone to lean on
But for a heart I can rely on through anything
For the one who I can run to oh I turn to you

Flame to dust.

In relationship, I’ve always been tested by Allah..More often now and i wonder why..

I believe anything that happens to us, for a reason or what we call ada hikmah atas sesuatu kejadian.

In my case, that I’ve been observing for quite a while..i’ll be very sad..and lunatic for a while, and then i start to hold my back and turn to Allah. It’ll ALWAYS like that. I look up for Him only when im sad, grieve. During jolly good times, i kinda not really been this good. Thats very bad right.

So this is the remembrance of Allah s.w.t towards his umat. Be glad that this happens because He want you to be good, gain pahala, and away from dunya issue for a while.

Alhamdulillah. No tears,huda.

The tragic accident near Simpang Ampat PLUS highway is very devastating. It could have been me. Actually it could have been anyone but I travel by bus to JB-KL once in a while. Sometimes i think, we went somewhere with wrong intention, but still Allah protect us and grant us life. We should be thankful. Syukur. And thats something we should think about. We lived..and what should we do?Actually, what is the RIGHT thing we should do?

ps : You know what fear me the most?While thinking about death, am I really ready in a condition that is favorable?What if every ibadah and things i made is not accepted because my intention is wrong? Wallahualam.

Like i said, ada hikmah sesuatu kejadian, i always put that of why mak passed away. Its her ajal that Allah takes her life, but I think this world is not her place. Its other part. Allah loves her, and im redha that way, I can figure out why although it may be wrong, but i want to keep on that thought.

Turn to Allah, He’s never far away.

and you could live with it…

whereas i couldnt..I couldnt do anything..

I cant tell you what it really is