If anyone knows me, i have another blog on blogspot that specifically a journal/keepsake about my wedding preparation and dreams.
I never thought i had an intention to get married. Since forever, i target 28 at least. But something struck when my bf ask me to get engaged. It was around September/October 2009 when he said those. I was speechless. But still i had no feeling towards it, like i said, i had no intention. I said no.
Then, the biggest dugaan come about…My dear mom passed away. I feel sooo lonely and there he was.. offering his love, shelter and warmth and ask me to marry him so that he can take care of me. I have finally found my hero.
Ever since, I kept on browsing wedding stuff and had my wedding blog too. The wedding date had change numerous times from October 2010 to March 2011 to June 2011. I dare to dream because I know he will never let me down.
In Malay custom, before a girl could be married to a guy, an eldery representative will discuss pertaining to wang hantaran, dates, mas kahwin, etc. Being me, i firmly want to skip engagement process, which i thought is unnecessary. I suggest that both families discuss informally. He agreed. But then, he said his family wanted to come to risik, so i agree because it doesnt involve hantaran, wear my best clothes/veil and stuff. But then again he said..why not we got engage since his family had come. Its like 2 matter can be settled one time. I said yes, why not(although i initially decline this).
Its around 35 days before the engagement. I had settle most of the things- attire, veil, hijab, favor boxes with ribbon, order flower from florist,booked makeup artist, i had prepare 8 trays of hantaran(i prepare both side hantaran) including his hantaran which i secretly bought so he’ll be surprised during the day, ayah had book canopy and inform the caterers. Its nearly 85% done.
I cant believe one single telephone call can ruin it all.
He said he’s not ready for all this. My heart crushed. How much i want this, how much effort i put in this..its all gone.
The reasons why im putting on this because..this is the biggest meltdown i had in life. So i had to document it.
Some people ask me why do i want to get married/ Are you ready for this? Of course i am. This is what i want.
1. Being halal in a relationship, avoid fitnah and maksiat.
2. I need a companion , to loved and be loved, unconditionally.
3. Seek repentance and be a better person in all aspect-responsibility, ibadah, virtue, maturity.
4. Seek rezki together through thick and thin, to a better living.
5. Build a family on my accordance that is respectful, loving and blessed.
6. Not to let ayah worry about me. His full responsibility is off to the new man.
So now im still hanging..
if this is for real, i have to cancel all the bookings. To think about it, sayangnya…because all the vendors i have selected based on numerous survey and narrow it down carefully to meet my budget and preferences.
Astaghfirullah al -azim…..